I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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