The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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