The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
