I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
