Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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