i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
