its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
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