I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
