my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
