You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
