just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize