Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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