On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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