Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
