My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
