i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
