Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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