I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
