just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
