so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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