i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
