Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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