well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
What a dumb baby whore.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
