my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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