sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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