mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize