We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can you bring me the toilet please
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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