Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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