Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
