you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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