dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
