sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
