There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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