I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
