she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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