Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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