If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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