Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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