I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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