I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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