We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize