Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
