Sponge bath it is.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
