her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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