had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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