I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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