I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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