Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Randomize
