I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
