Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
