we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
