there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
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