did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
