somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
