it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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