Just cropdusted the office
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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