You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
