my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
